thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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