My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's rum buckets o'clock
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
