the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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