woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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