After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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