I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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