Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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