did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
