and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
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Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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