Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
