Did you just see the Batmobile???
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
