He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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