i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
