She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
