I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
