Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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