I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
