He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
