By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's shark week go big or go home
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
