No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
