so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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