If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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