Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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