Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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