Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
