Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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