So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
