I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
