and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
