I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
