I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
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My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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