I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
