Cold hands, warm shart.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
