it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
