were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
