Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
