you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think I sprained my soul last night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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