garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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