Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
