I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
