he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
