census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
