Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
