bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
