Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
