I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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