Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
