you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
