I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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