If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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