if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
