Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
