She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
