I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
