is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize