omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
