she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
