Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
