I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
