just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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