everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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